But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. You're surely not alone. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. Addressing issues with the person whos causing the problem is just a good habit to get into, you know? Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. Neither does your husband. I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. Dream! I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. lets_be_honest Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. lets_be_honest . Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. Its already happening. When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. Thats awesome! You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. bittergaymark Think of it this way: the car insurance typically follows the car, not the driver. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Show interest in his interests. I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband - Slate Magazine The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. She gets too invested in her daughters life. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. Terms & Conditions . I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. He. Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. Taking the Keys Away: What to Do If a Senior Won't Stop Driving - AgingCare That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Everything Hilary Duff Has Said About Her Motherhood Journey Over the Years After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Tell her how much he appreciates it. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. What to Do If Your Child's Behavior Is Ruining Your - Lifehacker Why Is My Husband Driving My Daughter Away (15 Reasons) My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. Well-said, courtney. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. . The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? What?! I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. July 2, 2013, 1:18 pm, Um, both piano recitals and spelling bees are CONSTRUCTIVE activities Fangirling? If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. Most certainly. He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. That is why he is pushing her to explore new things. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Totally agree on the respect issue. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. 11 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Damage Their Children - Divorced Moms I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. I was like 7.) Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. Make it easier for him to be his best self. My daughter is driving my husband away | Talk About Marriage FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. I mean you describe your partner (who sounds amazing BTW) as cultivating her interests and introducing her to things which doesnt sound like what this dad is doing. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Grow up, already. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. But the dad is giving the kid homework? I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. Is there a middle ground? Not talking on cell phones, thats where. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. It makes them feel safe. When I got to college and met all these kids whod been exposed to more high-brow stuff than I had, I definitely felt like I had to play catch-up to at least even have an opinion on this stuff. Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. Although Mom does need to step up and encourage a stronger relationship between the two of them, its ultimately Dads responsibility to cultivate that relationship. I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. Being oblivious to financial matters. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). July 2, 2013, 12:42 pm. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). And hed be more likely to help her find an actual interest, not just an ability to tolerate. | My father only wanted sons, so he decided that his daughters were going to get into sports, hunting, home repair television shows and walks in the woods. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. I think dad is being a bully. But he can be a great dad regardless. . My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. Not from Scranton either! But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. I dont understand the amount of hating on fandom today. lets_be_honest Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. Yes. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. bittergaymark I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. Well done, as always, my friend. He even told me the next day that he was the luckiest guy in the world. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. Why should your husband treat her that way?? I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. Does he like the 80s music? Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. (Which is fine, I guess. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. lets_be_honest I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. I think this is what the LW needs to communicate to her husband. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. YES! because I think that as the teen years progress you will need some better strategies to deal with the 2 strong personalities that surround you. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it.
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